If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And then my night got REAL pukey
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
