My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
