I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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