i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
