Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
