you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
