I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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