Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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