My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
