Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
