Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
