I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
