Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize