I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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