paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
