I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
