i don't like sucking hair
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
