No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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