A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
