I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just pee around me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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