You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
