Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
