Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
