My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
