when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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