oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
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