awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
