why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
