Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
