If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
