i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
