At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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