I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
