Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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