the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
