Screwed.edu
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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