I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
