hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
