I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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