Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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