Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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