about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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