someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
