I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
