can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
