that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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