I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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