I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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