??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
