nut hugger
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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