My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Im part way to drunk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
