Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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