I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you never un-have a 4some
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
