I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
